Me

0050 Tuesday 27 October 2009 Are you sleeping?  I don’t know what to do.  Gotta follow my heart on this and it’s saying, “Keep trying.”  At least until I understand.  If you can convince me it’s the best thing for you, I’ll get it.  But right now I’m just confused and kind of reeling.

0052 Class was cancelled for tomorrow morning.  What did you do with the peach pits I gave you, D L?

0055 Not over text.  Just trying another means of communication.  Can we sit and talk sometime soon?

0056 I told you I’m off tomorrow morning.  I won’t meet you if you don’t say what fate my peach pits met.

0101 I work tomorrow morning.  Two are in a box of photos I kept from college.  One broke in my pocket and I ended up setting it on the SU field.  What’s the game?  Can you feel the line still?

0106 I made that line with my best friend, who was briefly my lover.  It’s indestructible.  We’re not playing any game.  We’re also not texting.  I’ve left you more peach pits than you’ve received.  I’m off until 6PM.  When do you finish?

0110 Around 11:30, but I’ve been on my feet since five thirty this morning and have to be at S at three tomorrow afternoon.  I have to get back between to walk N and am not sure it’s gonna be a good time if you’re just going to dump me.  However, if it’s what you’re offering, I’ll take it.

0114 There’s no dumping friends, D L, and we weren’t more than that.  Do what you need to; call me when you have time.  I’ll listen to your voicemail.

[an attempt to call]

0118 Why no speaking?  It feels as if you’re toying with me, thought I know you well enough to believe you wouldn’t.  And there is dumping friends.  Why do I suddenly get the full name?

0122 Because hearing your voice before I fall asleep would put me at an ease I can no longer bear.  As for your name, D S L is its full rendering, and the only other one I have for you is “bub”, which you aren’t anymore.

0125 Do you mind if I ask you what your breaking point was?  It seemed so out of the blue.  I would’ve made Tuesday so different…

0130 You’re the one who keeps texting.  If getting this over with face to face is so important, save your questions till you can see the truth of my answers.  As for my breaking point, we were walking on 15th and you grabbed my arm when I walked away from you and you kissed me and you told me you loved me and you said you were in love with me.  That was in January.  I’ve been at what interrogators recognize as the break point since then.

0135 Alright.  No face to face needed.  You’re doing this for you and that’s all I need to know.  You know how I feel about this and it should give you an idea at how I’d feel about you changing your mind.  Whenever that may happen.  I’ll pray it does.  I don’t even feel right asking forgiveness but I will tell you truly and earnestly how sorry I am.  I love you and you’re welcome any time.

0138 Do that apologizing face to face, if you dare.  I don’t accept if that’s your last try.

0139 If it please you.

0143 D L, I spent my weekend doing three things: crying, fighting, and wandering aimlessly.  I have two bruised ribs, a sprained wrist, a knee shaped like a grapefruit, and a cut across the back of my head.  I walked past your damned house eight times in the last twenty-four hours.  I haven’t eaten real food since Thursday, and I haven’t ejaculated since August.  You were supposed to be my best goddamn friend, you selfish fuck!  I loved you!  You do NOT get to offer your house and your life and your welcome as if it gives you the moral high ground.  You are not winning, D L, you lost your best friend!  I can’t believe you push so hard to eliminate all modes of communication, and then accept the briefest of explanations by text as sufficient to release you from facing this pain!

0147 You think for one goddamned minute that I consider myself as having any kind of moral high ground in this situation?

0149 I miss you so much.  You’re my first thought and my last every day.  I reach for you through that line we made constantly.  Unlike you, I can’t just move on.

0150 So you WANT me to see you all kinds of bruised and broken but refuse to talk to me or answer ANY of my calls/texts until your whim allows.  Fine.  You’re the one moving.

0152 D!  I have to!  I can’t stop thinking about you.  I am obsessed with a man who doesn’t care to face the consequences of uttering something so trivial as, “I’m in love with you.”  D L, I love you best and I love you more than anyone else.  I cannot love you by degrees as you dictate them, so I do what I can to spare us the grief of my craze.  I cannot love you just enough.

0154 A, I can think of nothing I want more than to see you.  I have just been told by everyone who knows the situation that that is a selfish desire.

0155 I gave you all I had and you took it.

0155 Love is selfless.  Love is not, however, obsession.

0157 You really never saw that?  You really couldn’t see that, as little as I have to offer, all of it is yours?

0157 Alright.  We’ll face to face.  It’s what I want, I just felt that maybe my confidantes were right.

0158 All my riches are in words I gave to you.  My vastest wealth ran out with tears I shed for you and us.

0158 We’ll talk.  Tomorrow if we have to, Thursday would be better, most likely.

0200 You have the luxury of a man you will not leave.  I’ve never dared challenge that.  It lets you hold off till your convenience.  You agree with me, then, that we are two fellows lost in a thing so close to love but on the wrong side of it?  You asked me if it hurt and I told you it destroys me and, knowing that, you refused to leave me.

0203 You’re saying everything I feared you felt but lied to myself attempting to convince my heart you were simply made of stronger stuff.  And don’t get me wrong there, you are.  Just not strong enough to be what I wanted you to.  I’ll call and leave a message tomorrow.  I’ll see you soon.

0205 I’m saying the things I need to to be done with you, dismissed as some crazy asshole you’re happy to live without.  I am made of stronger stuff, but you never believed how broken I am.

0206 Like I said, you’re the stronger.  No doubts there ever for even a moment on my part.  Optimism isn’t always a good thing.  Crazy?  There’s still a part of my brain scrambling to try and make this work.  How’s that for crazy?

0206 You wanted me to be the friend I want to be, or the side squeeze that gets you through J’s residency?

0209 No.  Never.  You’re turning me into something else and if it’s what you need to do, then I can’t stop you, ‘cause ultimately you do what you want.  Whether or not you see it that way.  We’re talking tomorrow.  Text away, but I’m no good with this medium.

0209 Just tell me what you really want, from me, from us, from Life and just maybe it can work.  We are an incredible pair, but not when we’re not communicating.  We can’t fool ourselves either.

0211 Sleep sweet, against all odds, friend.  We’ll talk soon.