The End.

Thank you for your pleasant surprise!

2008-06-22T22:21:03Z

The Eldest, First Triumvir, has dismantled our holdings. Fires burn all around him and he sees only glory. If only the word of the least of us would resound, even quietly, through his soul, we might have a chance to reclaim the communion which we have so bitterly lost.

The letter:

I'm so glad to have received any kind of response to what amounts to a
"poke" for your attention!

Let's do this line by line then, shall we? Also, I return to you the
same assurance in my own words: This is gonna hurt, but it comes from
a place of love. REALLY.

In response to your clarification "I don't want my explanation to feel
like an attack on you." What one wants, Kuya, is so often irrelevant
to what is. Whether you meant your explanation to be an attack, when
it is the first thing that I have heard from you since I left Georgia,
and in the light of a message you posted for the entire world to read
that you are ASHAMED OF ME?!, it takes a man of greater tolerance than
I possess to disregard your poorly-cloaked message for what it is,
which you have named even as you disclaimed it.

"I very much feel that I cannot look to my siblings, the people who
share the most connection with me to our mother, for help in
supporting Mom through this very difficult time." Unfortunately, I
agree with you that you cannot look to us for support--you cannot look
for support when you haven't asked for it. You cannot look for
support from those whom you scorn until such a time as they prove
their worth, and then only for the duration that such worth does
benefit you and your mission.

"It is much easier to understand and empathize with the multiple ways
your own life is caught in a difficult moment of
coming-fully-into-adult-independence." Do not do me the disservice of
trivializing my life's experience with your callow reassurances, as if
I lack the complexity to offer you any challenge in the context of
your illustrious experience. Despite the fact that you believe you
possess understanding and empathetic ability, Kuya, the callousness
with which you deliver your condemnation belies your self-delusion.

"But some of the ways you've interacted with Mom have had a
bottom-line result that she is hurt further, even though I know that
you don't start out with this goal in mind." Again it falls upon me
to elucidate for you, dearest brother, that whatever the bottom-line
result of my interactions with our mother, you cannot shield her from
the hurts of the world as you so desperately wish somebody would have
done for you so long ago! You cannot spin a gauze around our mother
to prevent her from risking pain, for surely it prevents her from
feeling anything at all. Indeed even you know that an open, festering
wound should eventually have fresh air in order to heal properly!

"I yearn to feel and be able to count on all three of us jointly
bearing the weight of supporting and caring Mom in this period." How
shall I divine your yearnings, Kuya?! Have you a goat whose entrails
might help me? Perhaps the paper's horoscope mentions you? Ah, or
even just a fortune cookie will enumerate your yearnings. To be sure,
I will not hear of them from their source. And to have the effrontery
to call upon any joint effort of any sort among the three of us after
so clearly forsaking us for your own path, so blithely sacrificing us
to your ambition?! How can we respond to any entreaty of yours,
Eldest, when you so heedlessly abjure communion with your only two
fellow survivors of the single most difficult experience you have ever
faced: your childhood?!

"I feel not only somewhat betrayed in siblinghood, but resentful when
I have to pick up pieces from altercations between Mom and one of
you." There is nothing to betray between us when no brotherhood
exists, ever pending your discretion and no other input.
Additionally, though you may hear Callings from all around you for
every cause you encounter, IT IS NOT UPON YOU TO "PICK UP PIECES"!
What growth has ever been given to an individual? What healing is
EVER bestowed upon one by another? How have you never learned, or
perhaps, having learned it, how do you fail to apply the lesson, that
no matter who the individual and no matter the circumstances which
that individual faces, the only one to heal that person is that person
and no other. Yes, we must betimes rely upon the support of others,
and that support manifests in myriad expressions, but all healing must
be of the individual. Physical, spiritual, emotional, psychological,
intellectual--the best healing in the West can only encourage the
body-mind-soul to find its own healing.

"I try very hard to separate my relationship with [you] from my
feelings about your relationship with Mom. But when your relationship
with Mom produces negative effects, I have to devote more of my
already-widely-stretched emotional-support resources to put out
another fire. And it's near-impossible not to resent the extra
emotional-support work [you] have created on multiple occasions in the
past few weeks. It would be close to overwhelming to deal all the
day-to-day challenges of recovering from the trauma AND addressing the
myriad issues that require long-term solutions. I hate, hate, hate
that in addition to all that, I also have to put out fires caused by
most of Mom's family, when this is the time when we need family
members to be even more effectively helpful than usual." I have asked
you before, and I will always be open to listen if you care to
respond, but your entire paragraph prompts me to ask you once again,
dear Kuya--What hurts?! You are hurting so much and have been for so
long that you scramble to heal the hurts of the world and all in it
just to feel that somebody somewhere is better. In doing so, you fail
to actuate, to realize, to achieve your own recovery. Kuya, did you
know that you stymie your serenity?

It is right that we bring our hurts to our mother. It is her
opportunity to give us the one thing that, as her children, it is our
right to ask for: mothering. You stand beside us in this model, Kuya,
not above. In return for the gift of her care, we stand below her and
support her when her load is too great. We cannot, YOU CANNOT lift
the load from above, brother. Who but He could do such a thing?
While we acknowledge that our mother's burdens are beyond
overwhelming, they are her life. We can never give her a blank slate
upon which she may write a new story. Your own story would be greatly
diminished by spending the time you should be writing it instead
co-authoring another's. For all the greatness you will ever achieve,
and you know that I with my overly-developed collective identity do
wish it so, it will amount to little if you do not claim it for
yourself, and leave others to claim their own lives and greatness for
themselves.

At the times in our lives when we have experienced an Event which
destroys us utterly, when all recognizable features of our existence
have been erased, at that time we must consolidate so many fragmented
pieces into ourselves, for what is left after wholesale destruction of
what we thought we were but Self's Essence? Even then, however, it is
only ever a beginning, and every single day we must spend in
discovering and defining who that Self is. At the moment we first
experience the responsibility our adulthood, what we will have been
"when we grow up" is transmuted to whatever it is that we do and have
done. To acknowledge that for myself, I daily ask myself, "What do
you want to be when you grow up?" I ask you now, with the hope that
you might hear my true care for you: What do you want to be, Kuya, now
that you've grown up?

Your brother

Slept so long, no sleep at all...

2008-06-20T19:18:19Z

I have not yet been up down to sleep as this ninth hour sounds.

I trust you will, of course, correct me any Glaring Mistakes,

but there some quality of processing experience when one's day

and for a time, one's rhythm, dilates and distends until

everything clarifies and takes on such a shine.

Even your flecks-of-sand conversation does not diminish my

crystalline experience, but colors and enhances it and appreciates its value.

Did he receive my flowers?

How did he receive them?

I almost hope he had had no sleep before he did encounter them.

For all the hardship we have faced, sister and brother witches,

would you have lead a life mundane were you given the chance?

And how to say all language equal when they cannot all express the hypothetical

"were you not to have had all that you did,

would you have wanted all you haven't achieved?"

My Holy Trinity holds the Lady at its apex,

presiding mother watching as

the Lord my Protector and the Trickster my Nurturer

guide me on my pitted, rutted, tortuous track.

By the by, the flowers he noticed and them did he appreciate.

Also, what use have we for what-would-have-been wonderings

that render our present so much positing?

Breathe and keep breathing--

Wait long enough and every day shows its artist's hand and draws itself to a close.

So ends the last of an exceedingly vast fortune, six dollars and no/100-----------.

Write past the raving to the madman's lyric.

Do not let yourself know the poetry,

let them call it what they read it.

The poem manifests without that claim--

Maintain its innocence with more vigilance than your elders guarded you!

Gmail

2008-06-09T09:48:35Z

I like it when my gmail chat sidebar says, "You are invisible."

Always such short ones

2008-05-20T20:19:56Z

My Sanctuary
In the garden of the lonely birds
Is a menagerie of sullen creatures
Where reigns Queen Tiger
Lean and spare
Once a beauty of the jungle
She is lonely for
A mate
A cub
A fellow tigerqueen

hehehe

2008-05-14T12:58:37Z

Sent to: sekretariat@svenskaakademien.se (The Swedish Academy, Prize-awarding institution for the Nobel Prize in Literature)
Subject: My name is not important
To Whom It May Concern,
To the Academy:

I am a twelve-year-old girl in the United States who is fast approaching her majority. I need to know now what I need to do to become a Literature Nobel Laureate! I know it takes so long to generate the sheer volume seemingly necessary to be noticed in the first place, so I feel an urgent need to begin creating as soon as possible. Additionally, I am an American and a girl, and neither of these things seems a quality which lends itself to winning this most precious award. I understand that not only quantity but also quality is important, if not paramount, to achieving this goal, but also I consider the fact that I have a voice that must be heard over the roaring crowd of lesser writers. My voice, then, must be booming and stentorian, but who accepts that from an American as anything by loud and obnoxious? "A towering presence with a voice as subtle as water flowing under ice," Grandmother says to describe me, but what is such stature without a matching ambition?! Given a decade of years or even a dozen, I can forge you the youngest Laureate yet! Tell me but where to begin and I will follow in dogged pursuit unto the terminus of my dream, but TELL ME! Since understanding that such a unicorn existed, I have become resolute that I should at least rest my eyes upon her, reach for her, even if I do not touch her. I must stand with those who earn such things and know at my fullest measure I am counted among them. Thus I come to you in supplication, as so often I find myself before my own Trickster Deity and Muse, what do I do?

Thank you for you time,
Thank you for what may very well be the last of your attention,

a.a.d.

Desert Admonition

2008-04-05T02:16:36Z

Do not piss into the sand, Desert Boy.
You waste moisture!
The sand is your home.
You do not piss on the floor of your dwelling, do you?

Do not cry into the sand, Desert Boy.
You waste moisture!
The sand is your master.
You do not cry to your master for teaching the lesson, do you?

Do not bleed into the sand, Desert Boy.
You waste moisture!
The sand is your bed.
You do not bleed all over your sleeping mat, do you?

Do not give your waters to the sand, Desert Boy.
You waste moisture!
Water is the Desert Mother's gift.
You do not give back gifts from the mother,
Do you?

I've renewed my commitment as writer, poet, bard

2008-03-10T07:25:46Z

Here's my proof!

Païen Sacrament

a.a.diCapa

A cave. A waterfall. A man.

Man kneels under waterfall in supplication.

Freezing waters beat sore muscles bruised.

Man feels hard stone under him,

Foundation of the world under him.

The cave is dark.

Man sees nothing.

Ears only hear the roar of countless voices,

Drops of water impacting ageless stone.

Bark of sound rides ragged breath,

Ruptures free,

Breaks into the world.

Goddess knows a good thing wrought.

Cascade stills, suspended around man.

Into sudden silence, Goddess sings out Her joy.

Hard press of frozen water

Now warm caress of Sacred Lover.

Man throws back his head as

Clarion chords fill his ears, his throat, his gut,

Wash through his spirit,

And pool around him

Pulsing earthen heartbeats.

Cupped hands bring sweet, clear light to face in ablution.

Supplicant reverberates to his soul with the answer he received.

Man stands,

Opens arms wide,

Falls into the deepening pool

Just as water resumes its fall

Mist outlines afterimage of Goddess.

A night and a day and a night

And a man emerges from a cave, a Bard.

I saw a pretty green picture of mist in the woods and I wrote an alarmingly doom-y Thing

2007-11-12T17:31:14Z

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=75891037&albumID=830499&imageID=7194258

I don't know why it turned out so harsh; I really LOVE this picture! It inspired me to write a thing, which is a joy in itself. This is what I thought just now when I saw your photo: This picture transports me to a day when fewer men trod upon the earth. I recall a time when my Mother carried me in Her sacred womb, the time before me when last was found Paradise. Here we come upon a window through which we see a past no longer accessible through any door of this house we have built around ourselves. This mist does not recede, but only continues to claim our birthright for its own, accusing us: See what you have made me do?! Would that you had cared for it, I could leave it here with you! As it stands you'll have less and less until you have naught but that house which you wrought of Her strong, flexible trees and Her austere, enduring stones; they are Her skin and Her bone and you live in Her carcass.

I don't mean to BRAG, but also, I can kill you with my brain.

2007-11-08T11:11:36Z

Which Serenity character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as River Tam

The Fugitive. You are clever and dangerous, which is a nasty combination. The fact you are crazy too just adds to your charm. They did bad things to you, but you know their secrets. They will regret how they made you.

River Tam

100%

Inara Serra

81%

Zoe Alleyne Washburne

81%

Capt. Mal Reynolds

75%

The Operative

75%

Jayne Cobb

56%

Hoban 'Wash' Washburne

50%

Simon Tam

50%

Kaylee (Kaywinnet Lee) Frye

44%

Shepherd Derrial Book

25%

Free Hugs Campaign. (music by Sick Puppies.net album out)

2007-11-07T05:38:22Z

Yes, I wholeheartedly agree. This post is dedicated to Star and Mom.

It has begun! ...and I'm already behind!!!

2007-11-05T08:45:41Z

This is my first day's worth of my NaNoWriMo entry, entitled Side Effects May Include: Headaches, Nausea, and Temporary Signs of Life. It took three days to write. DAMN. This shit takes longer than I thought--I have GOT to stop listening to the Little Editors in my head... Enjoy! I can't figure out the LJ-cut!?!

Food. Love.

2007-10-24T06:30:30Z

I wandered the streets for a time, cold and ravenous while those gluttons around me ate their fill and past. Then I met you and you gave me bread and said, "Eat!" and left me there. I ate and warmth spread through me and I continued on my way. Now I hunger again and my stomach protests the neglect, but I hold the memory of your bread as I continue my life, a beggar.

NaNoWriMo

2007-10-24T06:09:03Z

National Novel Writing Month is almost upon us. Get geared up and ready to go at www.nanowrimo.org! This year will be my first participatory year. I will explore themes of Life, time, quality, compassion, meaning, purpose, and probably something to do with goats. Goats will probably end up meaning more, representing some densely packed metaphor, but for now, I can let slip that goats are my favorite, so I'm just planning on letting at least one make an appearance for that reason alone. One month. Fifty thousand words. Ten sore fingers, two sore eyes, and one sore brain. I CAN'T WAIT!!!

How 'bout I am ridiculously stupid...

2007-10-18T19:59:07Z

...so instead of just giving you the long-ass IM conversation (I tried that earlier, to the dismay of a few of you...sorry!) and truncating the display with an LJ-CUT, I'm FORCED to actually TELL a story! No matter what you say, TELLING a story is very different from writing one. I have a greater appreciate for storytellers than story writers, but alas, I am assuredly the latter and not the former. I'm stalling 'cuz I'm nervous; I'll try to make it as brief as possible. Oh, and this might help: for the IM transcript, click the blog hyperlink I might be able to finagle in at the end of this paragraph. [insert: HAH! I did it. Now I can avoid disgracing myself with a horribly told story!] BAM!

So, earlier I posted the craigslist ad and received the response which started this whole shindiggery. Basically, I wanted to be a houseboy for the holiday and somebody said, "Sure! Let's talk about it." So we did, and what evolved was what might be the most hilarious dialogue between two real people I have ever helped create. I was inspired by Alcuin no Delaunay and Seven-of-Nine, with just a PINCH of Miyamoto Musashi to add flavor. The man was a self-described very dominant/kinky aggressive top. That gave me a clue for my role: very dominant/kinky passive-aggressive proto-bottom. What followed was a pleasure I haven't felt since I was very much on the ball as the baddest ass I knew in prison in Iraq. [Follow to INSERT, above... I am a lazy fuck...]

The response

2007-10-18T12:38:57Z

** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

Houseboi To Relocate To Seattle 4 Holidays.........hello Im Adam....gwm/47....6.00/175....

.businessman.....may be interested in your service, depending of course of how open minded you are....relocation kewl....serious only...safe/sane only.....need more 411 about you....paticulary long term goals.....have msn or yahoo/chat messangers.....pics available once we begin discussions.....lemme kno.......Adam..

The ad

2007-10-18T12:35:55Z

Houseboy for the Holidays? - m4m - 22

Reply to: pers-450299293@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-10-15, 8:19PM PDT

I want to move to Seattle or Tacoma and live/work in your house as a houseboy. Clothing at your discretion. DDfree. A former Soldier, I have a good idea of what clean is and am pretty able to tidy a place and make simple meals if you've got the means to do so. I'm also fairly well toned. 5'9" /Filipino /black hair /brown eyes /140lbs /well-dressed (when dressed) /well-spoken /D&D free /willing to attend public functions or stay at home. I don't mind singles or couples, just looking to get extra money by taking care of a good man or two. Price negotiable by the hour or total up front.

By "men" here, we mean people of the appropriate gender for your preference

2007-10-18T08:11:21Z

Some men can light your nerves on fire, stirring the smoldering heat just under your skin until it consumes your flesh. Other men need not lead to such immolation; ah! those treasures ignite your very soul, allowing you to soar aloft and kindle the very stars.

hehehe, I thought this just now

2007-10-17T20:01:52Z

"So, I just finished reading one of the best fantasy novels ever. I'm not sure who the author is, or maybe it's an anthology, but if I remember the title, you should try to check it out from the library or find it on Amazon. Oh yeah, it's called ~~The Holy Bible~~!"

Letter/cover letter excerpt

2007-10-17T05:57:14Z

2007 October 16 Tuesday 2248 hrs (local)

Good evening, Director G*!

My name is Adam P*; you met my father, B*, earlier this evening at the Habitat for Humanity of Kitsap County board meeting in Bremerton. As soon as my father returned from the meeting, he shared with me the program highlights prepared for stakeholders for 2007 October which you provided to him. I read through them and discussed the mission and opportunities inherent to your work with my father, as well as the objectives of Habitat for Humanity. I am greatly interested in discussing my contribution to that mission.

Before I continue, I would like to thank you for having the courage to do your work. I believe that Humanity has no purpose if we are not here to help each other, face to face. While globalization is a reality and the global community is one we have no choice but to embrace, the truth of the small community is still very much an active factor in our experiences throughout daily life. Expressions of love are most direct when exchanged between two pairs of eyes and compassion is manifest in the touch of hands as we meet.

I recently separated from the United States Army, wherein I served as an Arabic language interpreter trained at the Defense Language Institute Foreign Language Center at the Presidio of Monterey. More recently, I served as Senior Interrogator at a Detainee Holding Area in Iraq. I am proud to underscore the fact that at no time under my care were atrocities towards detainees ever committed. While in charge, the scariest thing I experienced was not a barrage of bullets or an IED blast from faceless enemies, but defying a superior officer who asked me to harden my heart and inure myself to the prison environment. As an Interrogator, one has two options to reach success: either one can embrace the darkest depths of one’s self and delve into the depravity we all know, reveling in the filth of humanity; or alternatively, to maintain a clear distinction between one’s self as a Human and one’s self as a Soldier-Interrogator, engaging one’s humanity even in the execution of the mission in order to ensure that every act is delivered with compassion. The latter is by far the more difficult choice to maintain, but it is the one that I made. The difficulty of that role continues to weigh on my soul, and parts of my spirit continue to wander the dusty roads of a camp north of Baghdad.

Since separating from the Army, I have had a twofold mission—to grow out my hair and to find my serenity. I have come to understand that keeping large goals simple is one path to success, sir, thus the first of my goals, which demands only that I wait with patience. The second is considerably more ambiguous, and as you might imagine, few helpful self-help books exist on the subject. Almost a year has passed since that marked event, but while perhaps my coffers are less than full, my heart is abundantly so. I have begun the process of forgiveness that allows me to traverse through the grief of losing my identity to the triumph forging one anew. I continue to learn from past experiences while embracing Life’s new forms. Trials do also abound, but therein do we find wisdom if we are open to the lesson.

One of my current trials is confronting the need for occupation. I come from a faraway land called US ARMY where every moment of one’s life is determined by an omnipotent MA’AM or SIR rarely seen. Now, here in this new place, I determine every aspect of my experience within the bounds of my environment. You can imagine, sir, the daunting disparity between those worlds. It is one thing to be a stranger in a strange land. It is quite another thing to be a stranger in a familiar land. I have searched for a niche and made my own way, but it is one that does not sit well upon my shoulders. I write, sir, and I study anthropology. I celebrate the infinite diversity of human expression and reflection called language and culture. Combined, these pursuits make for some healthy living, but they do not meet my base needs of food and shelter, which demand money.

I continue to search for that appropriate venue for my skills and passions. I refuse to tarry in a situation which only provides succor to the twin tyrants Debt and Credit. I understand that hard work is necessary to draw the marrow from the bones of Life, but I will not degrade the blessings I have in order to make money I do not care to amass. I would like to discuss with you at your soonest convenience how I might work with your team in order to utilize my skills in an medium appropriate to that sentiment. Thank you for your time, sir, and have a good day.

Adam P*

Writing is SO a matter of making time and committing to the endeavor...usually...

2007-10-16T00:40:00Z

Anyway, the other day SoCC essays were due. The following were inspired by my three, which I wrote and typed in forty-five crazy fast minutes. They're OK, if ÜBERmelodramatic!, I'm just proud that I could write so fast!

What is DIVERSITY?

Diversity is strength. There is strength inherent to any community composed of individuals with varying strengths and weaknesses, with differing views and opinions, with multitudinous passions and curiosities. Within such communities, people share an experience which encompasses the gamut of humanity, from suffering our direst depths--ignorance, anger, and hate--and achieving our greatest heights--understanding, compassion, and love. Diversity is a celebration during which we meet as equals and demand naught but the best from each other: the best care, the best understanding, the best respect. Such things are not the best because we express them better than others, but because they are genuinely and freely offered. I care and understand and respect you TRULY, and not because somebody told me to do so. Diversity is one constant conversation between two people, though the individuals involved may change, during which I look you in the eye and say, “I am me. You are you. I would not have it any other way. I do not want you to adopt my Way, Sister. I do not want to adopt your Way, Brother. I want simply to walk beside you for a time, holding hands, as family."

<<<ALERT: IMMINENT MELODRAMA AHEAD! ALERT>>>

Influential Individual

I have a name that reflects my heritage. I am P*, an American-Filipino whose Island Identity contains the seed of hate and apathy as Spanish friars raped and conquered the matriarchs of my clan. I am C*, an American-Filipino whose ancient Malay clan was forced from mainland China as Northern Purity swept the continent, forcing Asian Southerners to the shore of the ocean, those on the Rim exiled over the edge, consumed by the waves. I am Adam, an American-Filipino whose name makes him acceptable among civilized company, undiminished by the unwieldy mantle of his foreign name and foreign antecedents. I am Adam C* P*, who spent a year in Iraq without a name. The most influential individual I have yet encountered namelessly interrogated nameless prisoners, identified only by combinations of letters and numbers codifying the sequence of in-processing. The most influential individual in my life was killed because he had the strength to defy those whose names we read in the paper and see on TV. He had the strength to love when he wasn’t supposed to love, to be compassionate when he was ordered to harden his heart, to act humanely when every precedent allowed him to commit atrocity. He had no name, but he gave me pride in mine.

<<<Man, I hate poetry, but people read this like that, so I presented it in that fashion here.>>>

Who I IS^_^

I am a Voice for the Voiceless.

I am open arms and listening ears for the lonely.

I am the last call or the first for a broken heart.

I am the energy to change the world.

I am the result of the environment in which I grew.

I am a reflection.

I am a student of Life.

I am a seeker of Truths.

I am a single drop of water without which the vast ocean is forever reduced.

I am fierce defiance in the face of insurmountable adversity.

I am the immovable object and the unstoppable force.

I am the inherent riddle.

I am a collective and plural identity embodied by a single, individual person.

I am Love.

I am a supernova and a black hole reaching accordance.

I am the pregnant silence after thunder rolls through the heavens and crackles along your bones.

I am the charged stillness before lightning rips the night, scorches the earth, and blinds your eyes.

I am my mother’s son.

I am the Trickster’s Votary.

I am your future.

I am you.

I am.

huh... Here's some cud...

2007-10-07T07:16:38Z

A heart actually needs a couple of holes in it to function properly...

Manic Mushroom Penne & Maui Wowi Chicken from Silver City

2007-07-12T18:30:41Z

What a morning I've had! Try proving to your sister that you're not manic (she's an expert of sorts) while still being excited at this thing you've wrought which you think is praiseworthy. Now put yourself in a time when you've been down for long enough that you've forgotten that you can do such things. Makes sense that I got a little bit more than a little excited^_^ A lot more happened earlier, but that last was the only part related to you, my loyal audienceO_o Sad to say, my dear aforementioned sister prolly still thinks these the ravings of a madman:( Anyway, I wrote this earlier and I thought it was good. It's been a while since that's happened. It's rough and I have to weed out comma splices and the like, but I hope you enjoy...

...

“What was your mission at the time of your capture?”

Say there are two types of people in the world, we’ll call them Thinkers and Doers. This is a dichotomy, see, a “separation of different or contradictory things; that is to say, separation into two divisions that differ widely from or contradict each other”. Like I said, there are two types of people in the world. Thinkers and Doers. Are you following? We’re either in Thinker Mode or Doer Mode; one or the other, but never both. Let’s discuss this. Anyone can be either at any given time, on or off, even if you can’t decide which is on and which is off. OK, so far the universe is making sense, at least to me. Doers use their senses to encounter the world while Thinkers engage their memories to deal with things.

Think about it for a second—either you are experiencing something with your physical senses, or you’re remembering things you’ve thought and felt and experienced in the past. It’s tricky because at first it seems like you could be doing both at the same time, but really you can’t. Even if you’ve just touched a fire and it hurts, you’re really just remembering that you JUST TOUCHED a fire. If you are TOUCHING the fire, presently, you drop out of Doer Mode for not-even-a-split-second to think, “Whoa, my hand is burning!” before diving back in there to smell your charred flesh.

The same is true on the other side of the coin. It’s a hot day and you wanna cool down. You decide to get some ice cream. Yeah, that sounds really good right now. You get some and it’s tasty and all, but maybe not your favorite coconut ice cream. They never have coconut, so usually you go for chocolate, which is what you’ve just done. As you eat the chocolate ice cream, you start thinking about your favorite flavor, remembering the taste sensations melt on your tongue and the associated pleasure of recollecting other melt-y substances and their gentle caress. Maybe your mind meanders through the sunshine on warm sand that you think should be wherever coconuts are found in the world. Even if you jump right back into your chocolate-doused Doer Mode, in Thinker Mode, you were just remembering and not actually sensing.

Perhaps extreme forms of either mode are easier to comprehend. Consider the last time you “zoned out”. You were thinking then, and not really experiencing the world around you, until of course you realize the person on whom your eyes settled when you started zoning has now noticed your intense gaze and is trying to catch your attention. Or consider the last time you went into Wolverine-like superhero mode. This happens when we are frightened or embarrassed, where everything is enhanced, touch so much more sensitive, sound so much clearer or louder, colors so much more...color-y...The trick isn’t that you’re never both modes at once, that much makes sense now. The trick is the middle of the coin, which is actually the bulk of the thing, and not the heads-or-tails of the penny that draws everyone’s attention.

When in the middle of the coin, you’re neither remembering nor sensing, neither Thinker Mode nor Doer Mode. Most people never experience this state—try flipping a coin—heads or tails we expect, but only mountain top monks ever get it to land on the side and not fall over. Now there are a lot of names for this state, whether it is Clarity or Nirvana or Heaven or Oneness or Quantum Whatever, but the important thing is that when you are neither remembering things nor sensing them, the universe simply IS. Things make sense in that state, which may not be the case for you right now. Take heart, you’re coin is, as expected, either heads or tails. For a while, so was mine. Right now, however, it’s just rolling on its side and my universe just IS. In a moment my coin will catch on something and settle on one side or the other with that sound a spinning coin makes as the energy leaves it for the Great Elsewhere (or table, if you’re at a table) but at the moment, everything is acute and there aren’t words for it because all the words are appropriate.

I often pose this question to myself in an attempt to strengthen my case...

2007-06-14T01:57:46Z

Why do we care about language diversity?

I'm just curious what your ideas are because this is a question I anticipate I'll encounter very often in the line of study I'd prefer to follow. Thank you!

Wait for the sunnytime

2007-05-25T07:02:29Z

I cannot wait for the summer.

My feet are filled with wanderlust and in the summertime I can walk when I need to, at night, when I can surrender my flesh to the mosquitoes.

I am a restless, lonesome boy.

I love, I mourn, I want to be more.

I think, betimes, that I can write.

I’m beginning to accept that I’m clever, and that may be all.

I have no endurance when it comes to creation.

I begrudgingly accept that others love me.

I cannot help it, but I’m beginning to learn that it’s ok, anyway.

I hate myself and I don’t know why.

I punish myself for nothing in particular beyond being.

My vanity stems from some bone-deep insecurities—I don’t think I’m as pretty as I act like I do.

I don’t have money.

I want to earn money without working hard.

I do not feel fulfilled if I do not work hard.

I do not work hard.

I barely even try.

Things just happen for me.

I want to write great works.

I hold myself responsible...for everything.

I cannot wait for the summer.

This is some crazy shit right here!

2007-05-08T07:18:10Z

http://www.estripes.com/article.asp?section=104&article=53187&archive=true

Discharged gay sailor is called back to active duty

By Joseph Giordono, Stars and Stripes
Pacific edition, Sunday, May 6, 2007

On his wedding night in July 2004, then-Petty Officer 3rd Class Jason Knight finally accepted a truth he had fought against for years: he was gay.

Almost immediately, he moved to get his marriage annulled. He apologized to the woman he’d married. And when it came time to explain his changing circumstances to the Navy, he left nothing out. Under the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, he was quickly discharged from the service.

But now — whether through a clerical oversight or what some claim is an unwritten change in policy to keep more gay servicemembers in the ranks at a time of war — Jason Knight is back on active duty.

Since promoted to petty officer second class, Knight is finishing a scheduled one-year tour in Kuwait with Naval Customs Battalion Bravo. And, already kicked out of the Navy once, he sees no need to hide his sexual orientation.

“I thought it was a joke at first,” he said, remembering the day he received his recall orders. “It was the ultimate kick in the ass. But then I thought, there isn’t much they can do to me they haven’t done the first time.”

It was comments by Marine Gen. Peter Pace, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, that spurred Knight to come out publicly a second time. In defending the military’s policy, Pace called homosexual acts immoral and contrary to military values.

“Though I respect [Pace] as a leader, it made me so mad,” Knight said.

“I spent four years in the Navy, buried fallen servicemembers as part of the Ceremonial Guard, served as a Hebrew Linguist in Navy Intelligence, and received awards for exemplary service,” he wrote in a letter to Stripes. “However, because I was gay, the Navy discharged me and recouped my 13k sign-on bonus. Nine months later, the Navy recalled me to active duty. Did I accept despite everything that happened? Of course I did, and I would do it again. Because I love the Navy and I love my country. And despite Pace’s opinion, my shipmates support me.”

Those shipmates include his direct supervisors in the customs battalion.

“He’s better than the average sailor at his job,” said Bill Driver, the leading petty officer of Knight’s 15-person customs crew in Kuwait. “It’s not at all a strange situation. As open as he is now, it was under wraps for quite a while. It wasn’t an issue at work.”

Another sailor with the detail, Petty Officer 1st Class Tisha Hanson, works in admin and has had to process discharges for homosexual sailors before.

“I’ve obviously never heard of something like this happening before,” she said of Knight’s return to active duty. “But it doesn’t bother me. The Navy tends to keep people who don’t want to be here, but Jason does.”

In Knight’s case, he was given an honorable discharge when booted from the Navy on April 4, 2005. Though it’s not widely known, a clause in the military’s policy on discharging gays allows commanders discretion on what form of discharge to give a gay servicemember.

In many cases, a legal expert at an advocacy group working to repeal the policy said, that’s exactly what happens.

“The vast majority of [discharge papers] give the narrative reason as ‘homosexual conduct,’” said Kathi Westcott, the deputy director for law at the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network in Washington, D.C.

But, “individual commanders sometimes think the servicemember is a good troop, and they don’t want them to begin their next life with a ‘black mark,’” she said.

Westcott said that Pace’s comments — and a study showing declining numbers of discharges for gay servicemembers — have reignited debate about the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

The renewed debate includes suggestions that the Pentagon is less interested in kicking out gay servicemembers during war. Pentagon stats show that discharges of gay servicemembers dropped to 612 in 2006. The peak of such discharges was in 2001, when 1,273 were reported.

The numbers have fallen steadily each year — from 906 in 2002 to 787 in 2003, and on down. At a time when the Pentagon is struggling to meet recruiting goals, many point to the numbers as a wartime trend. Others reject that claim. And the majority of servicemembers are still opposed to openly serving gay troops.

Defenders of the policy say even, or especially, during war, the harm outdoes the good.

“I believe polarization of personnel and breakdown of unit effectiveness is too high a price to pay for well-intentioned but misguided efforts to elevate the interests of a minority of homosexual servicemembers above those of their units,” Sen. John McCain, a presidential candidate and former Navy officer, wrote in an April 16 letter explaining his support of the policy.

“Most importantly, the national security of the United States, not to mention the lives of our men and women in uniform, are put at grave risk by policies detrimental to the good order and discipline which so distinguish America’s armed services.”

Still, Pentagon stats show that only .3 percent of all discharges are for homosexual conduct.

In many cases, a legal expert at an advocacy group working to repeal the policy said, that’s exactly what happens.

“The vast majority of [discharge papers] give the narrative reason as ‘homosexual conduct,’” said Kathi Westcott, the deputy director for law at the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network in Washington, D.C.

But, “individual commanders sometimes think the servicemember is a good troop, and they don’t want them to begin their next life with a ‘black mark,’” she said.

Westcott said that Pace’s comments — and a study showing declining numbers of discharges for gay servicemembers — have reignited debate about the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

The renewed debate includes suggestions that the Pentagon is less interested in kicking out gay servicemembers during war. Pentagon stats show that discharges of gay servicemembers dropped to 612 in 2006. The peak of such discharges was in 2001, when 1,273 were reported.

The numbers have fallen steadily each year — from 906 in 2002 to 787 in 2003, and on down. At a time when the Pentagon is struggling to meet recruiting goals, many point to the numbers as a wartime trend. Others reject that claim. And the majority of servicemembers are still opposed to openly serving gay troops.

Defenders of the policy say even, or especially, during war, the harm outdoes the good.

“I believe polarization of personnel and breakdown of unit effectiveness is too high a price to pay for well-intentioned but misguided efforts to elevate the interests of a minority of homosexual servicemembers above those of their units,” Sen. John McCain, a presidential candidate and former Navy officer, wrote in an April 16 letter explaining his support of the policy.

“Most importantly, the national security of the United States, not to mention the lives of our men and women in uniform, are put at grave risk by policies detrimental to the good order and discipline which so distinguish America’s armed services.”

Still, Pentagon stats show that only .3 percent of all discharges are for homosexual conduct.

Navy personnel officials declined to comment on personnel cases in particular. But one official, speaking on background, said his reading of the policy wouldn’t preclude a second discharge for Knight. Though, the source said, it was more likely the Navy would simply allow his short-term active-duty recall to expire.

Knight’s current orders, issued on June 6, 2006, call for him to be on active duty for 365 days. Knight said he wants to complete that service and is even looking for ways to return to active duty full time, perhaps through the officers candidate school.

Brandy Jackson has known Knight since they served in the Ceremonial Guard in 2001. Later, both were sent to the DLI, he as a Hebrew linguist and she as a Mandarin Chinese specialist. When she washed out of the program, she was sent to the USS John C. Stennis in San Diego, but soon made her way out of the Navy.

Jackson is also gay and “never looked back. I no longer wanted to live in hiding, and saw the opportunity to get out, so I did,” she said.

She calls Knight’s situation “horrible,” but finds an odd justice in his recall to active duty.

“He is such an honest person with so much integrity, I could not believe when he told me he was going back in after what they did to him,” said Jackson, a 25-year-old now studying to be a game programmer. “There are outstanding sailors out there that just happen to be gay, like Jason, that contribute a great deal to the United States military and the cause we fight for.”